4-16-10 I thought of Maria being like the embodiment of the “kind mother sentient being' at the most ideal form...so thinking of the kind of mother she was, and taking that example as the ultimate example of compassion... one thing I do kind of miss from christian churches and iconography...is the wrathful aspect of compassion...there are plenty of examples of the gentle peaceful form of it... although I dont know a lot of the saint stories but it does seem from the statues that, yes, they can be seen as embodiments of suffering and transcending suffering and he gentle form of compassion... but here I am am biased towards the tibetan buddhism... I like the idea that there is a place for aggression as well in that it too has enlightened potential to be transformed... so not just ordinary passion being transformed to compassion but ordinary aggression being transformed into sharp clear wisdom.. so everything can become fuel for enlightened none of yourself has to be rejected... to paraphrase Chogyum Trungpa, your manure sometimes makes the best fertilizer..
I have to admit at one point when my blisters where still at their worst and I was looking at a wood carved out jesus with very lifelike semblance...and I saw the nails driven through his feet..i had sympathetic pains in my own foot. I know there are practices in christianity where one goes through the stages of the cross...and I can see how I could translate some of the burden of the cross as the burden of my pack.. and of course the aforementioned feet. I believe the practice was to develop empathy for what jesus went through to suffer for our sins...
one thing I am glad about sitting in churches, because I dont directly relate to being christian I have also let go some of the probably inverted christian baggage that has been passed down to us. I dont necessarily think I am referring to true spiritual christianity but the rules and admonitions that seem to be all that was handed down to ordinary individuals not of the clothes. So when I sit in church I can use it as an opportunity to just sit and be... no guilt or same feelings because I am not without sexual impulses or perhaps even the 'wrong kind'... I dont feel shame about being dutiful this or that..or for not being clean minded or pure enough... I can sit without those little nagging hangups that were placed on me by people trying to teach me to be a christian... now I can sit and feel the energy of the place as my mind percieves it.. I can put aside mundane concerns briefly to just really reflect on what i've learned to so far from this pilgrimage. in a way it's a child like innocense..it aint my religion so i dont feel the burden of it...i dont feel wrong or weird sitting in a church because my relationship to such places just has changed.. now i am gratefulan to the fact that there still places in the western world that are not full of mundane concerns..in fact with the waning of catholic-christian faith it means a large empty space where one can peacefully be quiet in...
I look at the imagery around me to see if it triggers any aspirational thoughts like the Madonna as my kind mother sentient being for whom I must return the kindness.... or how she is Prajna Parmita, the anthropomorphised embodiment of wisdom energy who gave birth not just to Jesus but all the buddhas. Hope this aint too sacrilege...if i can for a moment take Krishnamurti as an excuse..he had the ability to look at all religions ans see the parallels.. he saw the mother divine in all for example... so from a hindu perspective in am inclusive from a christian one...sacrilege... it's all perspective really...
I notice my mind loves pattern and symbolic I think that's why I am an artist... always pulling from around me to imbue meaning to my life.
I started the pilgrimage on easter, which is the resurrection... so I think things like fenix arising from its own ashes... or jesus who arises from the corporal suffering matter or body..into a form not prone to death and decay.. so I think how using the res-erection as an idea of the pilgrimage... and how really pilgrimage is using your form body...matter to transform the mind..perhaps there is vice versa...so this body which it's suffering that is so linked with suffering of the mind..that there seems to be no sensory perception difference between emotional and physical pain... only in the stories we tell of it... so is the wearing and tearing of this form body..placed with the right motivation... the cause for the mind to transform? It seems unlikely sometimes... but there is something about slowly moving forward.... falling something like ocean waves cyclical fluid movement through body crossing the earth connecting with it... wind and sun against exposed skin...that does seem to slowly sand away something to uncover something perhaps more subtle...sounds vague and woo woo.. .but we will see where it goes..
today in a small church .. the central altar had as its main devotional image... the resurrected body of jesus with magdalen and maria at his side...so it reminded me too of what kind of rebirth this path might provide for me...
(4-17-10 had another reminder today ...i am walking from spring into summer so I am seeing more and more plants popping up...another time of res-erection..cycle of nature: winter to summer.. fallow lands to new birth...cycle of birth and death.. I forgot for a little how all religions started by looking at the natural world around our human ancestors... and they drew parallels between nature and their views on the spiritual realms...which became ever more elaborated upon over time.. and perhaps abstracted and removed from its origin.. mother earth and nature)
my mood is still at times tighter and more prone to frustration so today after I shook off some snobbishness from a waitress, I went into the church at morrigioni to say my good bye and do my little 'connect with the energies' thing...
when I got out I went into another cafe to see if they perhaps had some savory snacks for breakfast. I was about to buy a croissant when I though I heard a man in german refer to me as a pilgrim to this wife. I looked at him and he asked me... then small conversation pursued.. in blog...but here the thing that he said that got me all welled up was...he had walked from French start point to Santiago in one month, he meet people who did it for sport, he met atheists, he met people who were doing it for all different reasons... but everyone who did it walked away permanently changed from that experience ...even writing this now I get a bit chocked up... I really needed to hear that.. doubt, of course, as it would, has made it's appearance.. and I seem to move so slowly and it's still a struggle and now with having to walk more along busier roads... there seems a futility to it all. Not that I am throwing in my hat... but there are moments of consternation and frustration... so what he said really hits my bones...
he also let me know he regrets having done it too fast, because you dont see anything... so to my concerns about going too slow...he assured me it is better that way... this is the second voice telling me..
one other thing i've thought of and have thought of before. I like how a lot of cathedrals and churches are domed so it is a mirror of how I see the inside of my scull... inside outside are like one... I feel like I am looking inside a skull which could be mine when I look at churches and window with light shining in are like the eyes... buddhism: all you perceive is mind... I kind of feel sitting inside such high ceiling-ed churches kind of reinforces that feeling.. Tibetan Gompas are often low ceiling-ed squat squared structures, I think more to do with necessity of materials at hand.. not a lot of wood and walls often more dirt than rock, so you cant built high and be structurally sound.. ...
'there is no such thing as coincidence'... I think I can take this too far with my constant eye for finding themes and symbols... it is definitely an idea I think that does come more from judeo-christian view, I know paulo coehlo in his pilgrimage pays attention to this as important...
I think of the ajan in thailand I go to and how he admonished me...they are just thoughts, you dont have to make them so important..this was in reference to me taking strong emotional states, I was having, as significant ...i do think it's kind of different to over aggrandize emotions states...verses taking note of things that appear to you on spiritual journeys... again I think of tibetan buddhism and their view on dreams...yes, they can be important... but so long as the mind of the dreamer is still not of free obscuration, then nor can the dreams be...so one should take dreams with a grain of salt, not all are omens or prophetic.. but I do take note of themes that unfold in a day, or course of days... that seem to have some meaning... the accident I witnessed yesterday in which no one came to harm...but was still a warning...as well as all the road side commemorative flowers and plaques I saw reminding us of the deceased of accidents... very much reminding me of fragility of my own life.. and how this pilgrimage is not without it's dangerous
then yesterday arriving at monteriggioni and even in the morning still in sienna at the cathedral not having to say I am a pilgrim but being labeled as such by others... now the external world is reinforcing my journey.. so it in turn makes me feel more accountable to what that role means.. how much of my walking is consumed with minutia of logistics and how much am I seeing it from the broader perspective... of why's of what I am doing.. so now I am a pilgrim it is done... interesting how that role evolved and externalized slowly over 12 days ..it did not happen immediately but also I did not force it...
I am also looking at the karma of being a modern pilgrim vs how it must have been when it was in the middle ages.. I assumed they might have had a lot more hardships...or perhaps a simpler existence... most of them were probably very naively faith based, illiterate and did not stay in places with hot water nor did they prob change into clean clothes frequently... I am thinking lice, and bed bugs as part of the experience... but of all the hardships they might have had...what they did not have to content with is crazy speeding bullets whipping past them, also known as cars... this is the peculiarity of this modern age... a very brief moment in time... but probably the most striking aspect of it for me... is the aggressive speed at which most people seem to need to live life... it amazing that this has become normal... being a non-driver of 43 years I think I might have certain biases there... but yes ...that is the karma of a modern pilgrim... even my austrian connection from this morning said..even in spain when on the actual piligrim's path.. you have to occasionally walk along highways, it can not be avoided...so I will have to work with that as one of my obstacles...to transform...but it is a symbol of my path in life anyway... going against the grain I have to develop some toughening, it is just part of the package I have to learn to accept. Here in pilgrimage...and when ever I return to more ordinary modes of living.
One thing I find striking is lack of loneliness while walking.. I do get happy when I get emails from home..or bummed if my inbox is empty after several days away from internet... but I dont miss company on the road... I read the biography of the Peace Pilgrim, now she really lived life outside and truelly trusted on the mana of heavens for survival.. but point is..she too never felt lonely as she walked american highways...she made plenty of correspondence on the road...but found her own company while walking good enough. She, I think sighted her connection to god as the reason. Let me use the reason.. my connection to mother earth as I walk across her as my company... but like I said I do have the thread of email to make me feel like there are others out there who think of me and who I think of.
I realize I am also not currently reflecting at all on the life I left behind. I dont think of seattle or my job or what so and so might be doing right now... I do think of people back home but not the life I had, itself. I find this a little interesting. How quick that kind of stuff drops away from me.
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