Monday, November 29, 2010
cultural exchange
Tiznit: this old gentleman rode by on his donkey, i said bonjour to him. he stopped and asked ce va? i said bon! he reached out his hand and i shock it..he asked in french if i was american.... i said yes, surprised he had guessed right, he too was surprised that he was right. he asked, (i think), if america was a good country? i nodded yes, but let him know i did not really speak french...he asked if i spoke american...i said oui, he said 'very well' and checked to see if he had said it right, i nodded yes and smiled...then we wished each other a good day and he rode off....both pleased with our little cultural exchange (nothing extraodinary; but i love these little moments)
Thursday, November 25, 2010
my thanks giving....
So, it's been over three months now since i finished the walking part of my pilgrimage.... but it was not finished with me...My body had just started it's recovery process and it would take months to feel 'normal' again....
in France while staying with my friend, i walked in the country side with her... only to return in renewed pain from these walks, at first I tried to be stoic but the fear of my bodie's fragility started making me fret..... my left Achilles tendon hurt a lot...the balls of my feet were always tendor, one of my heels felt like it had a dreaded bone spur...i was switching between now useless hiking boots which where already so thin for months, that i could feel even small gravel through them...and sandals which had questionable traction on steep hills...never mind the lack of ankel support and that i could not wear socks with them because of their design. i learned cold feet hurt more.
We left my friend's family home in the country and returned to the small city of Reims where her apartment was... i had over two weeks of very little walking...and yet the short walk into downtown every eve, and back...would start with me limping stiffly...for a short while, i would loosen up for half hour or so...but then with even short periods of resting, the stiffness and limping would return... i felt i would never really recover from the Camino... at first i did not want to admit it even to myself...but i was scared... in France cars drive more aggressively than i am used to and at intersections one has to yield to them or get out of the way quickly..... i did not have the agility to react quickly.... and would have anxiety explosions in my gut as i got out of the way just in time..
ironically, the whole while i was chatting my friend up, about the benefits of walking the Camino and how she should start in from her home in France, and wasn't she lucky to live in an area that was part of the French Camino.. she seemed dubious for some reason, and gave me an expensive and rare miracle cream that someone had gone through great trouble to provide her. The cream, by the way, did seem to help, i would put it on at night before going to bed, the pain in my tendon was gone in the morning...only to return by evening, even on days with little walking...
once in Tunisia, i still limped a lot but there was more agility returning in my movements..and often i could walk for half hour without pain before it would start up again...A possitive sign, my foot padding became slowly less tendor...much to my relief.
but even with the little walking i did in the sahara on soft warm forgiving sand..on my second day,i had a moment of fear and frustration as i felt like i was slowly falling more and more behind the camel driver and company...and they were walking very slowly...any attempts though to increase my speed only resulted in being in pain... I had to spend most of the remaining time on the camel since my feet where still not right...
one nurse I had met on the Camino had joked that the limping, pain and restricted movements from this, and the weight on our backs, was a good preparation for old age... these words kept coming back to me, during the healing process to remind me... these hobbled movements and the lack of reflex, would be something i would face again as i grew older, so i tried to relax and accept it.. like a good little buddhist, tryin to stay in the moment and all...still uncertainty crept in, when would it,ever go away?...
..now in morocco... again concern... my bags have grown considerably in weight, thanks to a healthy addition of art supplies since Tunisia... i sometimes have to carry my bags for a kilometer or more looking for places to overnight in unfamiliar towns... and that is stress on my feet, joints and legs over all...
within the first week of being in Morocco, i got stomach sick twice back to back which impacted my head as well... feeling like, amongst other things, that I was also carrying around murky clouds in the upstairs, hindering normal thinking...of course it also made me feel weak and tired and a wee bit put out.... to make things worse, i was reading a harsh german book, i'd picked up for free along the way, which pretty much said that being sick is your own damn fault and that you have mental issues that are causing you to be sick...so even though i did not like the harsh tone of the book, it did influence my thinking...so while feeling sick with barely a foot in the new country, i was tormenting myself a little by the possible psychological causes of it all...did i get sick because i was psychologically vulnerable from all the changes in cultures etc, i had undergone, and that caused fear which then made me sick..or did the illness make me feel vulnerable which made the fear arise...eggs and chickens...did all this unprocessed mental stuff from rigours travel cause unprocessed stuff in my stomach? body mirroing mind? i do remember having a tiny moment of strong exsistential angst, right before my stomach dropped out, and continued to for the rest of that night...again not sure which was a trigger for what...
with both my foot problems and my stomach, there where moments sometimes lasting a day or a few hours or less where I really though I had turned a corner...only to have things rebound to previous states of discomfort and unease...and of course, the fretting..
in the last week i was fortunate to have access to pretty beach, and to be able to walk along long stretches of sand and dip my feet in salt water...my friend in France had admonished me to do that as soon as I could in Tunisia, but I did not have the available beach time till now, almost two months later...
today, is Thanksgiving in America.... i walked for 45 minutes to a beach in another part of town, along the single lane highway...and back again...
I realized something... no pain in my body! And no grogginess in my head!
Sandrine, a fellow pilgrim from Paris, had said, one of biggest and yet simplest lessons she had learned from the Camino was: "if you are enjoying yourself right now and not in pain and not suffering, really appreciate this, because the condition can change within the next ten minutes!" and walking the Camino I can attest to the fact that conditions do change at alarmingly quick rates going from glorious to hellish within mere minutes. This constant awareness of the changeability of condition has not left me.
i dont remember ever appreciating walking quite as much as i do now...
I am thankful that i can walk without blisters, without sore foot pads, without swollen ankles, without torn tendons, without joint pain in knees, or hips... and with an agility and lightness of fitness and good health... i am thankful that my head is not sunk in a swamp of headach-ee dullness and that my stomach is not experiencing any disturbances and that i in fact dont notice my stomach at all... that for these ten or nore minutes i am actually carefree! it is so wonderful and also miraculous... i have become very appreciative about the tenuousness of my good health..i know we all say reflexively that we are appreciative of good health...but with the shadow of fear that the conditions of fate could change very quickly, it's made this moment more clear and brilliant and beautiful..
...may i not take it for granted and may i use these lucid and care-free moments in my life wisely... Happy Thanksgiving!!!
in France while staying with my friend, i walked in the country side with her... only to return in renewed pain from these walks, at first I tried to be stoic but the fear of my bodie's fragility started making me fret..... my left Achilles tendon hurt a lot...the balls of my feet were always tendor, one of my heels felt like it had a dreaded bone spur...i was switching between now useless hiking boots which where already so thin for months, that i could feel even small gravel through them...and sandals which had questionable traction on steep hills...never mind the lack of ankel support and that i could not wear socks with them because of their design. i learned cold feet hurt more.
We left my friend's family home in the country and returned to the small city of Reims where her apartment was... i had over two weeks of very little walking...and yet the short walk into downtown every eve, and back...would start with me limping stiffly...for a short while, i would loosen up for half hour or so...but then with even short periods of resting, the stiffness and limping would return... i felt i would never really recover from the Camino... at first i did not want to admit it even to myself...but i was scared... in France cars drive more aggressively than i am used to and at intersections one has to yield to them or get out of the way quickly..... i did not have the agility to react quickly.... and would have anxiety explosions in my gut as i got out of the way just in time..
ironically, the whole while i was chatting my friend up, about the benefits of walking the Camino and how she should start in from her home in France, and wasn't she lucky to live in an area that was part of the French Camino.. she seemed dubious for some reason, and gave me an expensive and rare miracle cream that someone had gone through great trouble to provide her. The cream, by the way, did seem to help, i would put it on at night before going to bed, the pain in my tendon was gone in the morning...only to return by evening, even on days with little walking...
once in Tunisia, i still limped a lot but there was more agility returning in my movements..and often i could walk for half hour without pain before it would start up again...A possitive sign, my foot padding became slowly less tendor...much to my relief.
but even with the little walking i did in the sahara on soft warm forgiving sand..on my second day,i had a moment of fear and frustration as i felt like i was slowly falling more and more behind the camel driver and company...and they were walking very slowly...any attempts though to increase my speed only resulted in being in pain... I had to spend most of the remaining time on the camel since my feet where still not right...
one nurse I had met on the Camino had joked that the limping, pain and restricted movements from this, and the weight on our backs, was a good preparation for old age... these words kept coming back to me, during the healing process to remind me... these hobbled movements and the lack of reflex, would be something i would face again as i grew older, so i tried to relax and accept it.. like a good little buddhist, tryin to stay in the moment and all...still uncertainty crept in, when would it,ever go away?...
..now in morocco... again concern... my bags have grown considerably in weight, thanks to a healthy addition of art supplies since Tunisia... i sometimes have to carry my bags for a kilometer or more looking for places to overnight in unfamiliar towns... and that is stress on my feet, joints and legs over all...
within the first week of being in Morocco, i got stomach sick twice back to back which impacted my head as well... feeling like, amongst other things, that I was also carrying around murky clouds in the upstairs, hindering normal thinking...of course it also made me feel weak and tired and a wee bit put out.... to make things worse, i was reading a harsh german book, i'd picked up for free along the way, which pretty much said that being sick is your own damn fault and that you have mental issues that are causing you to be sick...so even though i did not like the harsh tone of the book, it did influence my thinking...so while feeling sick with barely a foot in the new country, i was tormenting myself a little by the possible psychological causes of it all...did i get sick because i was psychologically vulnerable from all the changes in cultures etc, i had undergone, and that caused fear which then made me sick..or did the illness make me feel vulnerable which made the fear arise...eggs and chickens...did all this unprocessed mental stuff from rigours travel cause unprocessed stuff in my stomach? body mirroing mind? i do remember having a tiny moment of strong exsistential angst, right before my stomach dropped out, and continued to for the rest of that night...again not sure which was a trigger for what...
with both my foot problems and my stomach, there where moments sometimes lasting a day or a few hours or less where I really though I had turned a corner...only to have things rebound to previous states of discomfort and unease...and of course, the fretting..
in the last week i was fortunate to have access to pretty beach, and to be able to walk along long stretches of sand and dip my feet in salt water...my friend in France had admonished me to do that as soon as I could in Tunisia, but I did not have the available beach time till now, almost two months later...
today, is Thanksgiving in America.... i walked for 45 minutes to a beach in another part of town, along the single lane highway...and back again...
I realized something... no pain in my body! And no grogginess in my head!
Sandrine, a fellow pilgrim from Paris, had said, one of biggest and yet simplest lessons she had learned from the Camino was: "if you are enjoying yourself right now and not in pain and not suffering, really appreciate this, because the condition can change within the next ten minutes!" and walking the Camino I can attest to the fact that conditions do change at alarmingly quick rates going from glorious to hellish within mere minutes. This constant awareness of the changeability of condition has not left me.
i dont remember ever appreciating walking quite as much as i do now...
I am thankful that i can walk without blisters, without sore foot pads, without swollen ankles, without torn tendons, without joint pain in knees, or hips... and with an agility and lightness of fitness and good health... i am thankful that my head is not sunk in a swamp of headach-ee dullness and that my stomach is not experiencing any disturbances and that i in fact dont notice my stomach at all... that for these ten or nore minutes i am actually carefree! it is so wonderful and also miraculous... i have become very appreciative about the tenuousness of my good health..i know we all say reflexively that we are appreciative of good health...but with the shadow of fear that the conditions of fate could change very quickly, it's made this moment more clear and brilliant and beautiful..
...may i not take it for granted and may i use these lucid and care-free moments in my life wisely... Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
4-19-10 scripts and connecting with the earth under my feet
i was thinking a bit about following script how there really is no avoiding it... even if you walk away from some of the main scripts in life.. the basic story: be straight, marry someone, make babies, have a carrier... retire, have grandchildren..etc etc..even if you walk away from that by choice or need...even sadly in alternative culture there are all sorts of scripts..and if you dont follow them your shamed with 'uncoolness' etc...so nothing i choice does not have it's precedence, some human has done it before me ..which means there is a script... but perhaps being conscious of following a scripts...no truly unique choice...but sub branch of sub branch etc..of course following scripts can be quiet helpful..why reinvent the wheel... maybe conscious choice of which script one is following and some thoughts as to why..is what a person should focus on... i was just thinking how most peeps i come across follow scripts as if there was no choice... and this surprises me... in cultures like india or nepal where cast and gender make choice nonexistent, that is one thing ...but in most western cultures most people even with a basic education are exposed to different philosophical views and yet that does not seem to propel questioning prescribed systems
another thought about how i've been walking through the italian landscaped as a visitor, guest, foreigner, ...on a subconscious level...the idea... this is not my land... has been running as script... of course I can understand around humans... I can't assume I am italian and be like one.. especially since I dont even come close to speaking the language... but really the earth the plants... are not italian they just are...part of the same planet I am from...strange that I should create an estrangement in my mind..by habit... I guess I do have that nagging feeling.. I cant stay here forever ....money will run out ..and there are rules about how long to stay in europe as an american...but these are all human conventions... that are true now but where not always true... I am walking the mother earth... same as I would in seattle … plants might change a little in appearance... and the landscape is different... but part of a whole..so I will try to tap into that connectedness more... same with feeling foreign amongst italians.. on a much broader level we are all of us human and therefore share more in common than different... I am part of this humanity too...but first things first..it's easier for me to connect with nature..so I will start there..
another thought about how i've been walking through the italian landscaped as a visitor, guest, foreigner, ...on a subconscious level...the idea... this is not my land... has been running as script... of course I can understand around humans... I can't assume I am italian and be like one.. especially since I dont even come close to speaking the language... but really the earth the plants... are not italian they just are...part of the same planet I am from...strange that I should create an estrangement in my mind..by habit... I guess I do have that nagging feeling.. I cant stay here forever ....money will run out ..and there are rules about how long to stay in europe as an american...but these are all human conventions... that are true now but where not always true... I am walking the mother earth... same as I would in seattle … plants might change a little in appearance... and the landscape is different... but part of a whole..so I will try to tap into that connectedness more... same with feeling foreign amongst italians.. on a much broader level we are all of us human and therefore share more in common than different... I am part of this humanity too...but first things first..it's easier for me to connect with nature..so I will start there..
4-18-10 subtle irritation of peaceful realms
4-18-10 Thoughts on the subtle irritation of the peaceful deities... as in bardo of death ...as suggested by chogrum trungpa... like heaven is often referred to as a boring place..."rather be in hell with all your friends"... so too...trungpa suggested as you move through the death bardo.. you will come into the presence of the peaceful deities which if the unenlightened bardo mind does not recognize will propel the mind into the wrathful deity realsm... I believe if I remember right.. chogyum trungpa suggested that the unrealized mind responds with a type of irritation to the peacefulness... it is just too peaceful... this comes up in grosser forms in ordinary meditation practice.. being bored with the practice...getting irritated with the non-activity of it...i am reminded of being a little kid in church and feeling really restless... a feeling so obviously shared by many of the italians I went to easter mass with... not sure what the motivation was to be there for them...but there was that undercurrent of contained restlessness and then there was ab almost a bounce from the crowd, when it was time to leave... the subtle all pervasive suffering that exists at all times even when we are not feeling bad.. that restlessness.... I think church is a great place to learn to sit with this subtle peaceful aspect of enlightened energy... outstay the irritation just a little just.. like on the cushion...
rambels and threads from 4-16-10 also first musings on being a pilgrim
4-16-10 I thought of Maria being like the embodiment of the “kind mother sentient being' at the most ideal form...so thinking of the kind of mother she was, and taking that example as the ultimate example of compassion... one thing I do kind of miss from christian churches and iconography...is the wrathful aspect of compassion...there are plenty of examples of the gentle peaceful form of it... although I dont know a lot of the saint stories but it does seem from the statues that, yes, they can be seen as embodiments of suffering and transcending suffering and he gentle form of compassion... but here I am am biased towards the tibetan buddhism... I like the idea that there is a place for aggression as well in that it too has enlightened potential to be transformed... so not just ordinary passion being transformed to compassion but ordinary aggression being transformed into sharp clear wisdom.. so everything can become fuel for enlightened none of yourself has to be rejected... to paraphrase Chogyum Trungpa, your manure sometimes makes the best fertilizer..
I have to admit at one point when my blisters where still at their worst and I was looking at a wood carved out jesus with very lifelike semblance...and I saw the nails driven through his feet..i had sympathetic pains in my own foot. I know there are practices in christianity where one goes through the stages of the cross...and I can see how I could translate some of the burden of the cross as the burden of my pack.. and of course the aforementioned feet. I believe the practice was to develop empathy for what jesus went through to suffer for our sins...
one thing I am glad about sitting in churches, because I dont directly relate to being christian I have also let go some of the probably inverted christian baggage that has been passed down to us. I dont necessarily think I am referring to true spiritual christianity but the rules and admonitions that seem to be all that was handed down to ordinary individuals not of the clothes. So when I sit in church I can use it as an opportunity to just sit and be... no guilt or same feelings because I am not without sexual impulses or perhaps even the 'wrong kind'... I dont feel shame about being dutiful this or that..or for not being clean minded or pure enough... I can sit without those little nagging hangups that were placed on me by people trying to teach me to be a christian... now I can sit and feel the energy of the place as my mind percieves it.. I can put aside mundane concerns briefly to just really reflect on what i've learned to so far from this pilgrimage. in a way it's a child like innocense..it aint my religion so i dont feel the burden of it...i dont feel wrong or weird sitting in a church because my relationship to such places just has changed.. now i am gratefulan to the fact that there still places in the western world that are not full of mundane concerns..in fact with the waning of catholic-christian faith it means a large empty space where one can peacefully be quiet in...
I look at the imagery around me to see if it triggers any aspirational thoughts like the Madonna as my kind mother sentient being for whom I must return the kindness.... or how she is Prajna Parmita, the anthropomorphised embodiment of wisdom energy who gave birth not just to Jesus but all the buddhas. Hope this aint too sacrilege...if i can for a moment take Krishnamurti as an excuse..he had the ability to look at all religions ans see the parallels.. he saw the mother divine in all for example... so from a hindu perspective in am inclusive from a christian one...sacrilege... it's all perspective really...
I notice my mind loves pattern and symbolic I think that's why I am an artist... always pulling from around me to imbue meaning to my life.
I started the pilgrimage on easter, which is the resurrection... so I think things like fenix arising from its own ashes... or jesus who arises from the corporal suffering matter or body..into a form not prone to death and decay.. so I think how using the res-erection as an idea of the pilgrimage... and how really pilgrimage is using your form body...matter to transform the mind..perhaps there is vice versa...so this body which it's suffering that is so linked with suffering of the mind..that there seems to be no sensory perception difference between emotional and physical pain... only in the stories we tell of it... so is the wearing and tearing of this form body..placed with the right motivation... the cause for the mind to transform? It seems unlikely sometimes... but there is something about slowly moving forward.... falling something like ocean waves cyclical fluid movement through body crossing the earth connecting with it... wind and sun against exposed skin...that does seem to slowly sand away something to uncover something perhaps more subtle...sounds vague and woo woo.. .but we will see where it goes..
today in a small church .. the central altar had as its main devotional image... the resurrected body of jesus with magdalen and maria at his side...so it reminded me too of what kind of rebirth this path might provide for me...
(4-17-10 had another reminder today ...i am walking from spring into summer so I am seeing more and more plants popping up...another time of res-erection..cycle of nature: winter to summer.. fallow lands to new birth...cycle of birth and death.. I forgot for a little how all religions started by looking at the natural world around our human ancestors... and they drew parallels between nature and their views on the spiritual realms...which became ever more elaborated upon over time.. and perhaps abstracted and removed from its origin.. mother earth and nature)
my mood is still at times tighter and more prone to frustration so today after I shook off some snobbishness from a waitress, I went into the church at morrigioni to say my good bye and do my little 'connect with the energies' thing...
when I got out I went into another cafe to see if they perhaps had some savory snacks for breakfast. I was about to buy a croissant when I though I heard a man in german refer to me as a pilgrim to this wife. I looked at him and he asked me... then small conversation pursued.. in blog...but here the thing that he said that got me all welled up was...he had walked from French start point to Santiago in one month, he meet people who did it for sport, he met atheists, he met people who were doing it for all different reasons... but everyone who did it walked away permanently changed from that experience ...even writing this now I get a bit chocked up... I really needed to hear that.. doubt, of course, as it would, has made it's appearance.. and I seem to move so slowly and it's still a struggle and now with having to walk more along busier roads... there seems a futility to it all. Not that I am throwing in my hat... but there are moments of consternation and frustration... so what he said really hits my bones...
he also let me know he regrets having done it too fast, because you dont see anything... so to my concerns about going too slow...he assured me it is better that way... this is the second voice telling me..
one other thing i've thought of and have thought of before. I like how a lot of cathedrals and churches are domed so it is a mirror of how I see the inside of my scull... inside outside are like one... I feel like I am looking inside a skull which could be mine when I look at churches and window with light shining in are like the eyes... buddhism: all you perceive is mind... I kind of feel sitting inside such high ceiling-ed churches kind of reinforces that feeling.. Tibetan Gompas are often low ceiling-ed squat squared structures, I think more to do with necessity of materials at hand.. not a lot of wood and walls often more dirt than rock, so you cant built high and be structurally sound.. ...
'there is no such thing as coincidence'... I think I can take this too far with my constant eye for finding themes and symbols... it is definitely an idea I think that does come more from judeo-christian view, I know paulo coehlo in his pilgrimage pays attention to this as important...
I think of the ajan in thailand I go to and how he admonished me...they are just thoughts, you dont have to make them so important..this was in reference to me taking strong emotional states, I was having, as significant ...i do think it's kind of different to over aggrandize emotions states...verses taking note of things that appear to you on spiritual journeys... again I think of tibetan buddhism and their view on dreams...yes, they can be important... but so long as the mind of the dreamer is still not of free obscuration, then nor can the dreams be...so one should take dreams with a grain of salt, not all are omens or prophetic.. but I do take note of themes that unfold in a day, or course of days... that seem to have some meaning... the accident I witnessed yesterday in which no one came to harm...but was still a warning...as well as all the road side commemorative flowers and plaques I saw reminding us of the deceased of accidents... very much reminding me of fragility of my own life.. and how this pilgrimage is not without it's dangerous
then yesterday arriving at monteriggioni and even in the morning still in sienna at the cathedral not having to say I am a pilgrim but being labeled as such by others... now the external world is reinforcing my journey.. so it in turn makes me feel more accountable to what that role means.. how much of my walking is consumed with minutia of logistics and how much am I seeing it from the broader perspective... of why's of what I am doing.. so now I am a pilgrim it is done... interesting how that role evolved and externalized slowly over 12 days ..it did not happen immediately but also I did not force it...
I am also looking at the karma of being a modern pilgrim vs how it must have been when it was in the middle ages.. I assumed they might have had a lot more hardships...or perhaps a simpler existence... most of them were probably very naively faith based, illiterate and did not stay in places with hot water nor did they prob change into clean clothes frequently... I am thinking lice, and bed bugs as part of the experience... but of all the hardships they might have had...what they did not have to content with is crazy speeding bullets whipping past them, also known as cars... this is the peculiarity of this modern age... a very brief moment in time... but probably the most striking aspect of it for me... is the aggressive speed at which most people seem to need to live life... it amazing that this has become normal... being a non-driver of 43 years I think I might have certain biases there... but yes ...that is the karma of a modern pilgrim... even my austrian connection from this morning said..even in spain when on the actual piligrim's path.. you have to occasionally walk along highways, it can not be avoided...so I will have to work with that as one of my obstacles...to transform...but it is a symbol of my path in life anyway... going against the grain I have to develop some toughening, it is just part of the package I have to learn to accept. Here in pilgrimage...and when ever I return to more ordinary modes of living.
One thing I find striking is lack of loneliness while walking.. I do get happy when I get emails from home..or bummed if my inbox is empty after several days away from internet... but I dont miss company on the road... I read the biography of the Peace Pilgrim, now she really lived life outside and truelly trusted on the mana of heavens for survival.. but point is..she too never felt lonely as she walked american highways...she made plenty of correspondence on the road...but found her own company while walking good enough. She, I think sighted her connection to god as the reason. Let me use the reason.. my connection to mother earth as I walk across her as my company... but like I said I do have the thread of email to make me feel like there are others out there who think of me and who I think of.
I realize I am also not currently reflecting at all on the life I left behind. I dont think of seattle or my job or what so and so might be doing right now... I do think of people back home but not the life I had, itself. I find this a little interesting. How quick that kind of stuff drops away from me.
I have to admit at one point when my blisters where still at their worst and I was looking at a wood carved out jesus with very lifelike semblance...and I saw the nails driven through his feet..i had sympathetic pains in my own foot. I know there are practices in christianity where one goes through the stages of the cross...and I can see how I could translate some of the burden of the cross as the burden of my pack.. and of course the aforementioned feet. I believe the practice was to develop empathy for what jesus went through to suffer for our sins...
one thing I am glad about sitting in churches, because I dont directly relate to being christian I have also let go some of the probably inverted christian baggage that has been passed down to us. I dont necessarily think I am referring to true spiritual christianity but the rules and admonitions that seem to be all that was handed down to ordinary individuals not of the clothes. So when I sit in church I can use it as an opportunity to just sit and be... no guilt or same feelings because I am not without sexual impulses or perhaps even the 'wrong kind'... I dont feel shame about being dutiful this or that..or for not being clean minded or pure enough... I can sit without those little nagging hangups that were placed on me by people trying to teach me to be a christian... now I can sit and feel the energy of the place as my mind percieves it.. I can put aside mundane concerns briefly to just really reflect on what i've learned to so far from this pilgrimage. in a way it's a child like innocense..it aint my religion so i dont feel the burden of it...i dont feel wrong or weird sitting in a church because my relationship to such places just has changed.. now i am gratefulan to the fact that there still places in the western world that are not full of mundane concerns..in fact with the waning of catholic-christian faith it means a large empty space where one can peacefully be quiet in...
I look at the imagery around me to see if it triggers any aspirational thoughts like the Madonna as my kind mother sentient being for whom I must return the kindness.... or how she is Prajna Parmita, the anthropomorphised embodiment of wisdom energy who gave birth not just to Jesus but all the buddhas. Hope this aint too sacrilege...if i can for a moment take Krishnamurti as an excuse..he had the ability to look at all religions ans see the parallels.. he saw the mother divine in all for example... so from a hindu perspective in am inclusive from a christian one...sacrilege... it's all perspective really...
I notice my mind loves pattern and symbolic I think that's why I am an artist... always pulling from around me to imbue meaning to my life.
I started the pilgrimage on easter, which is the resurrection... so I think things like fenix arising from its own ashes... or jesus who arises from the corporal suffering matter or body..into a form not prone to death and decay.. so I think how using the res-erection as an idea of the pilgrimage... and how really pilgrimage is using your form body...matter to transform the mind..perhaps there is vice versa...so this body which it's suffering that is so linked with suffering of the mind..that there seems to be no sensory perception difference between emotional and physical pain... only in the stories we tell of it... so is the wearing and tearing of this form body..placed with the right motivation... the cause for the mind to transform? It seems unlikely sometimes... but there is something about slowly moving forward.... falling something like ocean waves cyclical fluid movement through body crossing the earth connecting with it... wind and sun against exposed skin...that does seem to slowly sand away something to uncover something perhaps more subtle...sounds vague and woo woo.. .but we will see where it goes..
today in a small church .. the central altar had as its main devotional image... the resurrected body of jesus with magdalen and maria at his side...so it reminded me too of what kind of rebirth this path might provide for me...
(4-17-10 had another reminder today ...i am walking from spring into summer so I am seeing more and more plants popping up...another time of res-erection..cycle of nature: winter to summer.. fallow lands to new birth...cycle of birth and death.. I forgot for a little how all religions started by looking at the natural world around our human ancestors... and they drew parallels between nature and their views on the spiritual realms...which became ever more elaborated upon over time.. and perhaps abstracted and removed from its origin.. mother earth and nature)
my mood is still at times tighter and more prone to frustration so today after I shook off some snobbishness from a waitress, I went into the church at morrigioni to say my good bye and do my little 'connect with the energies' thing...
when I got out I went into another cafe to see if they perhaps had some savory snacks for breakfast. I was about to buy a croissant when I though I heard a man in german refer to me as a pilgrim to this wife. I looked at him and he asked me... then small conversation pursued.. in blog...but here the thing that he said that got me all welled up was...he had walked from French start point to Santiago in one month, he meet people who did it for sport, he met atheists, he met people who were doing it for all different reasons... but everyone who did it walked away permanently changed from that experience ...even writing this now I get a bit chocked up... I really needed to hear that.. doubt, of course, as it would, has made it's appearance.. and I seem to move so slowly and it's still a struggle and now with having to walk more along busier roads... there seems a futility to it all. Not that I am throwing in my hat... but there are moments of consternation and frustration... so what he said really hits my bones...
he also let me know he regrets having done it too fast, because you dont see anything... so to my concerns about going too slow...he assured me it is better that way... this is the second voice telling me..
one other thing i've thought of and have thought of before. I like how a lot of cathedrals and churches are domed so it is a mirror of how I see the inside of my scull... inside outside are like one... I feel like I am looking inside a skull which could be mine when I look at churches and window with light shining in are like the eyes... buddhism: all you perceive is mind... I kind of feel sitting inside such high ceiling-ed churches kind of reinforces that feeling.. Tibetan Gompas are often low ceiling-ed squat squared structures, I think more to do with necessity of materials at hand.. not a lot of wood and walls often more dirt than rock, so you cant built high and be structurally sound.. ...
'there is no such thing as coincidence'... I think I can take this too far with my constant eye for finding themes and symbols... it is definitely an idea I think that does come more from judeo-christian view, I know paulo coehlo in his pilgrimage pays attention to this as important...
I think of the ajan in thailand I go to and how he admonished me...they are just thoughts, you dont have to make them so important..this was in reference to me taking strong emotional states, I was having, as significant ...i do think it's kind of different to over aggrandize emotions states...verses taking note of things that appear to you on spiritual journeys... again I think of tibetan buddhism and their view on dreams...yes, they can be important... but so long as the mind of the dreamer is still not of free obscuration, then nor can the dreams be...so one should take dreams with a grain of salt, not all are omens or prophetic.. but I do take note of themes that unfold in a day, or course of days... that seem to have some meaning... the accident I witnessed yesterday in which no one came to harm...but was still a warning...as well as all the road side commemorative flowers and plaques I saw reminding us of the deceased of accidents... very much reminding me of fragility of my own life.. and how this pilgrimage is not without it's dangerous
then yesterday arriving at monteriggioni and even in the morning still in sienna at the cathedral not having to say I am a pilgrim but being labeled as such by others... now the external world is reinforcing my journey.. so it in turn makes me feel more accountable to what that role means.. how much of my walking is consumed with minutia of logistics and how much am I seeing it from the broader perspective... of why's of what I am doing.. so now I am a pilgrim it is done... interesting how that role evolved and externalized slowly over 12 days ..it did not happen immediately but also I did not force it...
I am also looking at the karma of being a modern pilgrim vs how it must have been when it was in the middle ages.. I assumed they might have had a lot more hardships...or perhaps a simpler existence... most of them were probably very naively faith based, illiterate and did not stay in places with hot water nor did they prob change into clean clothes frequently... I am thinking lice, and bed bugs as part of the experience... but of all the hardships they might have had...what they did not have to content with is crazy speeding bullets whipping past them, also known as cars... this is the peculiarity of this modern age... a very brief moment in time... but probably the most striking aspect of it for me... is the aggressive speed at which most people seem to need to live life... it amazing that this has become normal... being a non-driver of 43 years I think I might have certain biases there... but yes ...that is the karma of a modern pilgrim... even my austrian connection from this morning said..even in spain when on the actual piligrim's path.. you have to occasionally walk along highways, it can not be avoided...so I will have to work with that as one of my obstacles...to transform...but it is a symbol of my path in life anyway... going against the grain I have to develop some toughening, it is just part of the package I have to learn to accept. Here in pilgrimage...and when ever I return to more ordinary modes of living.
One thing I find striking is lack of loneliness while walking.. I do get happy when I get emails from home..or bummed if my inbox is empty after several days away from internet... but I dont miss company on the road... I read the biography of the Peace Pilgrim, now she really lived life outside and truelly trusted on the mana of heavens for survival.. but point is..she too never felt lonely as she walked american highways...she made plenty of correspondence on the road...but found her own company while walking good enough. She, I think sighted her connection to god as the reason. Let me use the reason.. my connection to mother earth as I walk across her as my company... but like I said I do have the thread of email to make me feel like there are others out there who think of me and who I think of.
I realize I am also not currently reflecting at all on the life I left behind. I dont think of seattle or my job or what so and so might be doing right now... I do think of people back home but not the life I had, itself. I find this a little interesting. How quick that kind of stuff drops away from me.
chris likes superstitions...written 4-12-10?
chris likes superstitions...4-12-10?
female deities:
slowly slowly I am beginning to think more..introspect more...but I dont have long sustained thoughts... and by that I mean thinking of this in terms of a pilgrimage and therefore having spiritual inspiration... I had done a lot of mantras from a wrathful deity when I fist start walking and it was a hard path... today I did green tara for a while (tibetans chant her mantra when they travel, for protection).. as an aside the little when I go into churches it is easier and easier for me to see madonna and tara..as same....(explain why a few rows down)
also thinking of 'the black market of the mother-dakini energy' that judy simmer brown spoke of...Dakinis are seldom sweet...especially enlightened ones...often the appear grotesque and wrathful...they push you to the edge when you've gotten too complacent in your practice... I wonder how much my experience on this path holds some of their presence...
Wind:
dakinis can also be quite earthly and un-elightened and like fairies or spirits of trees and wells they too are related to the elements... I heard of wind dakinis up where planes fly having the power to pull down planes if angered.. Carlos Castaneda was taught that in Yaki indian traditions winds are a female force... which might be a danger to men... there was some described ritual of a woman lying naked spread eagle on a hill, drawing in the winds from all directions to give her power... today the winds played with me.. yesterday too I got a taste of more wrathful wind... depending on the direction according to Castaneda the winds 'deities?' (not sure if he would use that word) are wrathful or compassionate... North most wrathful, south most maternal... today it felt playful and a bit maternal... mostly I was pushed from behind... at one point from the side..and I got pushed across my walking path letting me know the power of that energy..
Dog:
Paulo Coehlo wrote a book about the walk across to santiago,it was autobiographical, ...he talks about meeting with a dog..who at first was quite ferocious and dangerous to him... until something turned in his own mind.. I think the dog followed him for days..i dont quite remember how it resolved..but basically once he no longer saw the dog as a problem he wasnt...
I have a bit of fear of dogs... and have been glad the once i've met had been kept behind gates... yesterday I met small loose dogs ..no problem...today slightly bigger... but the really scary looking dark wolfish one was actually the friendly one... I remember back to turkey with more loose dogs..were q and I got charged by two large seemingly territorial dogs... I grabbed q's hand out of fear...like a little kid... once I realized the dogs were just going to escort us and not attack after the initial charge I was able to calm down... i've come a long way from that time...but still dogs worry me a bit... i've not seen human tracks as much as dog tracks in the dry mud I have walked on...making me think of Paulo Coehlo's dog... and then I had my dark dog go peacably enough today..
Cat:
another little superstition... black cats in america are considered bad luck...Therefore I was surprised how many black cats I ran across especially in umbria, ...clearly, well taken care off pets... so I suspect the superstition does not esist here... since my first day walking I have seen black cats pop up ahead of me on my path..so I jokingly decided it's the same one keeping an eye on me and always walking just a bit ahead of me.. again I saw it today in the farm fields.. just pop up... while in umbria I cam across the deliciously grotesque fairy and oger like dolls at a gift shop and the lady explained to me that these creaters provided good luck espically the first glance your eyes have on them... one that stuck out because it was a little different was Puss in Boots... I guessed he was good luck for travel, but he is over all good luck...so my little black cat mascot to me is the umbrian puss-in-boots keeping me safe...
warning: so this is a tangent...totally about trying to find some parallels to what I am experiencing in an ancient catholic land... as a tibetan buddhist... prob not of interest to anyone not also into this little religion...
why would it be neccesary for me to see Madona as Tara … or in fact convert christian iconography into something buddhist... well maybe not improtant... but I remember hearing in nepal..that one lama had advised a new buddhist student who was traveling in europe that one could view Madonna as Tara and Jesus as Heruka (a semi wrathful deity).. In tibetan buddhism, your view is crucial, so how you see things can push you towards enlightenment or towards further obscuration..this has to do with mind tranformation..if you see things already as pure and perfect as if from an enlightened mind...than this little trick of the imagination starts not being a trick at all but slowly transforms the mind... this is a peculiarity from tibetan buddhism..thinking of it, the christians do have the idea of sacred outlook seeing everything infused with the divine, so i think this part is very similar..(except instead of all belonging to a singularity, instead all is also empty and luminous...but i wont get into that) .so from a varjayana perspective, where all things are seen as pureland and all beings as the deity... all sound as mantra..
...religious buildings and centers have power from devotion...i've heard the pagan view, there are on lielines... I prefer the idea that any place that has had thousands of worshippers who come with strong devotion and do prayers or practice there for hundreds of years...well that place starts having a certain power from the collective human enerrgy of spirituality... I think this is just as woo woo as lielines theory, probably...but i've heard this view confirmed in sufism .. I buddhism i''ve heard that said about mantras.. that have been said millions of times by countless beings.. develop power just through that... and from the (tibetan) buddhist perspective: Since it is my mind thinking + feeling this...the blessing does not come from outside but within me...but since I still have obscurred view, my conviction is made stronger if I have some sort of 'outside' validation...ie knowing the place has been a pt of worship by the masses... this is one reason I like to seek out holy sites from all tradtions...it's not the religion that matters but the state of the mind of those who come in spiritual pursuit... therefore since it is all my mind...really it is my view that is important ...so seeing cities on hills as mandalas with mt neru in center and palace on top full of enlightened energy is one view I can take as the landscape and and ancient villages I approach become more and more beautiful... it's not hard to hold those visions in this place... saint statues in churches, might have been christian, but they share the energy of compassion and had realizations enough where they become capable of displaying the impossible..if you do believe in the miracles that are credited to them...
there are different manifestation of buddha deities in tibetan buddhism... this is a culture that has living incarnate buddhas or at least realized beings that can controll their rebirth.. known as boddisatvas... when they apear as human that aspect is their nirmakaya form... in the thankapaintings often you see buddha energy anthropomorphised into human form but in form of ancient indian royality, this is the sambokakaya form of buddhas, so like madona represented as a queen with a crown and ornaments and fine garments so too, Tara in her many forms is represented as a queen with jewel ornaments and the finest silks...okay so she's half naked...but same same! So I do think it is interesting that there is the aspect of catholasism simmilar to tibetan buddhism of both jesus an madona sometimes shown as royalty.. I think it indicates their having achieved an 'above ordinary' spiritual state... much like enlightenement perhaps? The final body of buddha is the dharmakaya which like god (well sort of)...can not be depicted because it is beyond concept... this is a rather long winded excuse for seeing Madona as Tara... oh white tara a little different from madona only in that she has eyes on her hands and feet and middle of her forhead..like madona holds a flower and wears a crown..she is primarly the good health long life deity... and in her mantra is the word mama...i think catholics pray to madonna as the mother...yes? Same same again!!
anyway...apparently I am thinking too much and not paying attention to the sore feets as much..
..also in order for this to really be a pilgrimage again from buddhist view... I have to see with what motivation I approach it... if my mind is spending time thinking about pt a to pt b... and not perhaps about how each step purifies negative karma... or some such...well then all I have is an ordinary walk.. if I remember to think about how what every I accomplish here removes obscuration, blinders, hindrances to my seeing reality more clearly and how that will enable me to be of benefit to all sentient beings... well if I remember that and the more I remember that then it really is a pilgrimage... otherwise it's just a long walk with blisters and perhaps some decent food and a few memento photos (okay shit loads of photos)... it's day 8 I am only now gaining some reigns over my mind that has been floundering to just get the hang of this type of trip..so that I can actually check and ask myself whether any of the above is happening...
female deities:
slowly slowly I am beginning to think more..introspect more...but I dont have long sustained thoughts... and by that I mean thinking of this in terms of a pilgrimage and therefore having spiritual inspiration... I had done a lot of mantras from a wrathful deity when I fist start walking and it was a hard path... today I did green tara for a while (tibetans chant her mantra when they travel, for protection).. as an aside the little when I go into churches it is easier and easier for me to see madonna and tara..as same....(explain why a few rows down)
also thinking of 'the black market of the mother-dakini energy' that judy simmer brown spoke of...Dakinis are seldom sweet...especially enlightened ones...often the appear grotesque and wrathful...they push you to the edge when you've gotten too complacent in your practice... I wonder how much my experience on this path holds some of their presence...
Wind:
dakinis can also be quite earthly and un-elightened and like fairies or spirits of trees and wells they too are related to the elements... I heard of wind dakinis up where planes fly having the power to pull down planes if angered.. Carlos Castaneda was taught that in Yaki indian traditions winds are a female force... which might be a danger to men... there was some described ritual of a woman lying naked spread eagle on a hill, drawing in the winds from all directions to give her power... today the winds played with me.. yesterday too I got a taste of more wrathful wind... depending on the direction according to Castaneda the winds 'deities?' (not sure if he would use that word) are wrathful or compassionate... North most wrathful, south most maternal... today it felt playful and a bit maternal... mostly I was pushed from behind... at one point from the side..and I got pushed across my walking path letting me know the power of that energy..
Dog:
Paulo Coehlo wrote a book about the walk across to santiago,it was autobiographical, ...he talks about meeting with a dog..who at first was quite ferocious and dangerous to him... until something turned in his own mind.. I think the dog followed him for days..i dont quite remember how it resolved..but basically once he no longer saw the dog as a problem he wasnt...
I have a bit of fear of dogs... and have been glad the once i've met had been kept behind gates... yesterday I met small loose dogs ..no problem...today slightly bigger... but the really scary looking dark wolfish one was actually the friendly one... I remember back to turkey with more loose dogs..were q and I got charged by two large seemingly territorial dogs... I grabbed q's hand out of fear...like a little kid... once I realized the dogs were just going to escort us and not attack after the initial charge I was able to calm down... i've come a long way from that time...but still dogs worry me a bit... i've not seen human tracks as much as dog tracks in the dry mud I have walked on...making me think of Paulo Coehlo's dog... and then I had my dark dog go peacably enough today..
Cat:
another little superstition... black cats in america are considered bad luck...Therefore I was surprised how many black cats I ran across especially in umbria, ...clearly, well taken care off pets... so I suspect the superstition does not esist here... since my first day walking I have seen black cats pop up ahead of me on my path..so I jokingly decided it's the same one keeping an eye on me and always walking just a bit ahead of me.. again I saw it today in the farm fields.. just pop up... while in umbria I cam across the deliciously grotesque fairy and oger like dolls at a gift shop and the lady explained to me that these creaters provided good luck espically the first glance your eyes have on them... one that stuck out because it was a little different was Puss in Boots... I guessed he was good luck for travel, but he is over all good luck...so my little black cat mascot to me is the umbrian puss-in-boots keeping me safe...
warning: so this is a tangent...totally about trying to find some parallels to what I am experiencing in an ancient catholic land... as a tibetan buddhist... prob not of interest to anyone not also into this little religion...
why would it be neccesary for me to see Madona as Tara … or in fact convert christian iconography into something buddhist... well maybe not improtant... but I remember hearing in nepal..that one lama had advised a new buddhist student who was traveling in europe that one could view Madonna as Tara and Jesus as Heruka (a semi wrathful deity).. In tibetan buddhism, your view is crucial, so how you see things can push you towards enlightenment or towards further obscuration..this has to do with mind tranformation..if you see things already as pure and perfect as if from an enlightened mind...than this little trick of the imagination starts not being a trick at all but slowly transforms the mind... this is a peculiarity from tibetan buddhism..thinking of it, the christians do have the idea of sacred outlook seeing everything infused with the divine, so i think this part is very similar..(except instead of all belonging to a singularity, instead all is also empty and luminous...but i wont get into that) .so from a varjayana perspective, where all things are seen as pureland and all beings as the deity... all sound as mantra..
...religious buildings and centers have power from devotion...i've heard the pagan view, there are on lielines... I prefer the idea that any place that has had thousands of worshippers who come with strong devotion and do prayers or practice there for hundreds of years...well that place starts having a certain power from the collective human enerrgy of spirituality... I think this is just as woo woo as lielines theory, probably...but i've heard this view confirmed in sufism .. I buddhism i''ve heard that said about mantras.. that have been said millions of times by countless beings.. develop power just through that... and from the (tibetan) buddhist perspective: Since it is my mind thinking + feeling this...the blessing does not come from outside but within me...but since I still have obscurred view, my conviction is made stronger if I have some sort of 'outside' validation...ie knowing the place has been a pt of worship by the masses... this is one reason I like to seek out holy sites from all tradtions...it's not the religion that matters but the state of the mind of those who come in spiritual pursuit... therefore since it is all my mind...really it is my view that is important ...so seeing cities on hills as mandalas with mt neru in center and palace on top full of enlightened energy is one view I can take as the landscape and and ancient villages I approach become more and more beautiful... it's not hard to hold those visions in this place... saint statues in churches, might have been christian, but they share the energy of compassion and had realizations enough where they become capable of displaying the impossible..if you do believe in the miracles that are credited to them...
there are different manifestation of buddha deities in tibetan buddhism... this is a culture that has living incarnate buddhas or at least realized beings that can controll their rebirth.. known as boddisatvas... when they apear as human that aspect is their nirmakaya form... in the thankapaintings often you see buddha energy anthropomorphised into human form but in form of ancient indian royality, this is the sambokakaya form of buddhas, so like madona represented as a queen with a crown and ornaments and fine garments so too, Tara in her many forms is represented as a queen with jewel ornaments and the finest silks...okay so she's half naked...but same same! So I do think it is interesting that there is the aspect of catholasism simmilar to tibetan buddhism of both jesus an madona sometimes shown as royalty.. I think it indicates their having achieved an 'above ordinary' spiritual state... much like enlightenement perhaps? The final body of buddha is the dharmakaya which like god (well sort of)...can not be depicted because it is beyond concept... this is a rather long winded excuse for seeing Madona as Tara... oh white tara a little different from madona only in that she has eyes on her hands and feet and middle of her forhead..like madona holds a flower and wears a crown..she is primarly the good health long life deity... and in her mantra is the word mama...i think catholics pray to madonna as the mother...yes? Same same again!!
anyway...apparently I am thinking too much and not paying attention to the sore feets as much..
..also in order for this to really be a pilgrimage again from buddhist view... I have to see with what motivation I approach it... if my mind is spending time thinking about pt a to pt b... and not perhaps about how each step purifies negative karma... or some such...well then all I have is an ordinary walk.. if I remember to think about how what every I accomplish here removes obscuration, blinders, hindrances to my seeing reality more clearly and how that will enable me to be of benefit to all sentient beings... well if I remember that and the more I remember that then it really is a pilgrimage... otherwise it's just a long walk with blisters and perhaps some decent food and a few memento photos (okay shit loads of photos)... it's day 8 I am only now gaining some reigns over my mind that has been floundering to just get the hang of this type of trip..so that I can actually check and ask myself whether any of the above is happening...
Sunday, April 4, 2010
funny feelings..at St Francis
so i am not sure if it was exhaustion, stimulus to the art, since i have dreamed of seeing Giotto's paintings in Assisi since i was introduced to them back in 1989 in early Renaissance art class..or perhaps, because i though it was not going to find a room in Assisi and i was so relieved i did...or because i had just lugged myself and the bags up steep mideaval village and realized that i might have some problems walking for long distances if it was going to be like this..so fear...or also perhaps because the whole adventure just got that much realer because here i was actually in st Francis church and my starting point...or perhaps more groovy causes, St Francis really was a Bodhisattva in the realized sense and his molecules are radiating thru the church...either way... i realized i could easily start weeping... i was definitely emotionally overwhelmed when i realized i was 'there'.... i sat down in the cave like tomb area for a while absorbing all the positive energy i could and requested St Francis to bless my journey... i was delighted like a kid, getting my first stamp in the credential passport, i had been directed to the stamp by a nice Fanciskan monk
Friday, April 2, 2010
am I ready? will i ever be...starting on the road...
i feel i worked till the very last minute to end my life in seattle in order to start this trip... so that i start this trip feeling like i need to wait so that all of me arrives and it feel like i am actually starting my trip. it's as if the trip started before i was ready...but perhaps it's just waiting a few days till things catch up... last night i felt like rome was entering me through its food water and air. that slowly some of my american molecules were being replaced by roman ones and the more this interchange happens the more settled i will feel... this is my woo woo pagan side taking the reigns, i think it's funny...
i also had moments were i woke up more and tried to tell myself 'the trip has started the trip has started!'
last night i woke up in the middle of the night cuz i am still adjusting to opposite time zone and tried to meditate lying in bed, since i was not doing anything healthful otherwise.. i had moments of sharp bright clarity briefly ...a nice reminder that even when stupid tired and insomniac it is still a good opportunity to practice.
i also had moments were i woke up more and tried to tell myself 'the trip has started the trip has started!'
last night i woke up in the middle of the night cuz i am still adjusting to opposite time zone and tried to meditate lying in bed, since i was not doing anything healthful otherwise.. i had moments of sharp bright clarity briefly ...a nice reminder that even when stupid tired and insomniac it is still a good opportunity to practice.
rome
so i've been in rome two plus days... as i told a friend i seem to need more sleep and spend less money...
i am spending a lot on hotel and in a day of eating and touring.. and it occurred to my simple mind that i was holding back it seemed even holding my breath a bit as i partook of the room and it's amenities and also a little of tour or food as if because it cost a lot and i could not hold back money i held myself back.then a little vajrayana buddhism came to mind. life is short and to truly be in the moment is to have an appreciation for what is happening...if the room is a bit of a budget bust, be really there, in it... really lie in that bed, really enjoy the free soaps free wifi and hot shower... let the senses drink it in dont be austere when you dont have to be.. same with food obviously, why withhold enjoyment of something that you just spend money for...unlike more permanent objects of wealth these pleasures have a short expiration date. i have only limited time to use them up so even more reason to really enjoy what is right in front of me...
i have noticed that because ticket prices for various sites such as the coliseum are also a bit high for my budget...though quiet reasonable if you think of all that is included... i really tried to slow down and really appreciate what is in front of me. the camera is a bit of an elaboration in that sometimes taking photos is an excuse for not really looking ( i took a photo i can look at it later) i am actually finding it is helping me to look more closely... i do have an agenda so it is not just looking, in that pure being present way, but sometimes one needs tools till one is ready for next step.. i notice it does absorb me more in what i see inbetween photos as well, also i walk away charged from looking at things this way..looking for a good photo is also looking for an opportunity to see what is beautiful and interesting in the world around me...often it requires a second look with that special eye to make these elements stand out. i have learned from meditation retreat and and sneaking cameras with me that sometimes i have to sit at a spot longer and longer and more wonderful things start arising to my eye..it is like magic...
i am spending a lot on hotel and in a day of eating and touring.. and it occurred to my simple mind that i was holding back it seemed even holding my breath a bit as i partook of the room and it's amenities and also a little of tour or food as if because it cost a lot and i could not hold back money i held myself back.then a little vajrayana buddhism came to mind. life is short and to truly be in the moment is to have an appreciation for what is happening...if the room is a bit of a budget bust, be really there, in it... really lie in that bed, really enjoy the free soaps free wifi and hot shower... let the senses drink it in dont be austere when you dont have to be.. same with food obviously, why withhold enjoyment of something that you just spend money for...unlike more permanent objects of wealth these pleasures have a short expiration date. i have only limited time to use them up so even more reason to really enjoy what is right in front of me...
i have noticed that because ticket prices for various sites such as the coliseum are also a bit high for my budget...though quiet reasonable if you think of all that is included... i really tried to slow down and really appreciate what is in front of me. the camera is a bit of an elaboration in that sometimes taking photos is an excuse for not really looking ( i took a photo i can look at it later) i am actually finding it is helping me to look more closely... i do have an agenda so it is not just looking, in that pure being present way, but sometimes one needs tools till one is ready for next step.. i notice it does absorb me more in what i see inbetween photos as well, also i walk away charged from looking at things this way..looking for a good photo is also looking for an opportunity to see what is beautiful and interesting in the world around me...often it requires a second look with that special eye to make these elements stand out. i have learned from meditation retreat and and sneaking cameras with me that sometimes i have to sit at a spot longer and longer and more wonderful things start arising to my eye..it is like magic...
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